Wednesday, June 13, 2012

"...If you can make one heap of all your winnings..."

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
- An excerpt from If, a poem by Rudyard Kipling.

As a former competitive athlete, I know what it's like to train and practice for long months towards a goal and not achieve it. I also have learned to know what this is like as a student.

Hours of class time, homework/studying, racing to meet deadlines for term papers/projects, and plenty of nights burning the midnight oil. The fact that you've spent your pocket money for the quarter isn't what kills... It's not even the thought of doing it all over again. But it's knowing that grade will forever be on your transcript.

I'm a little slow adjusting in the beginning of the quarter- so during this time I usually have much anxiety. At mid-winter quarter (just the previous quarter)- I was at a D+ in my math class. I remember thinking to myself "Shit, I need to drop this class"... and up to that point I had never withdrawn out of a class before. I eventually decided against doing so and I'm not really sure why- because I never even did any calculations... You know- the thing you do when your really trying to get to a certain grade- you calculate hypothetical grades in order to estimate what you can come out with.... yeah. I simply told myself, "I will do my verry best and see where that goes". Somehow, by the end of the quarter without even any extra credit, I managed to pull my grade up to a B-. So, my grade relied heavily on the Final.

Even as an athlete this was my weaknesses. I was a choker. My mind just shuts down when under a deal of stress. Now if you knew my past- you would understand that this was a great survival mechanism for me whilst growing up. But nowadays it's become a dysfunction. Something I've been working hard to reprogram.

I know you're probably wondering how I did on my final. Honestly, I don't know because although I made an appointment with my professor in order to see the actual test- I never did have/make the time to do so. But I did make the grade. I'd never been so pleased with a B. It was the first one in a while.

In the beginning of this Spring Quarter I told myself that I'd do better earlier on, in order to prevent much stress at the end of the term. To my surprise, I was doing well in Statistics. I have never been any good at math and it felt amazing to have such positive appraisal from professor Heaven. With the help of extra credit, I even received my first 100% (actually 102%)- ever- on a math test. During this term at mid-quarter I was at a B+.

It's crazy how things can change so quickly. In my case, in a matter of a couple weeks. In this time my home life became very chaotic, my schoolwork load was heaviest, and to throw it all off there was work.

It became a disaster. I blew my third test in Statistics, as well as another Psych quiz. I also missed (forgot) a deadline for a Psych portfolio- this killed me- since I had been getting 19/20 across the board.

Anyways, I just took my Stats final today. This quarter I don't think I got as lucky. I didn't have a good feeling coming out of it. I already know of a couple of questions I'd missed. Sigh. God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. Well, I've still got my Psychology final tomorrow... and depending on how well I do on this Final, I think an A- is still a possibility. But I won't focus so much on that. My game plan is to review over old quizzes and the Powerpoints. Again, I'm going to do my best and see where that goes. Here's to courage in changing the things that I can.

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